Mysterious Schwarz Mysteries
by Siko Kudou
Summary: What *really* happened that night?
1. THE EVIDENCE

Um, I'm back again! This time I have a parody of the Invader Zim episode 'Mysterious Mysteries' ^_^;; r+r onegai! *gnaws on some peanut brittle*

(Siko sits on a chair in front of a big screen in a dark room. Next to her is her co-host, Eiko-chan)

Siko: (talking on her cell phone) Yes, Cha-chan, he really is that b-

Off-camera voice: Kudou-sama, you're on!

Siko: Huh? (looks up to see all the people in the studio staring at her, wide-eyed) Uh, crap. (quickly throws the cell phone off set, smoothes out her skirt and clears her throat) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to …(close-up) MYSTERIOUS SCHWARZ MYSTERIES! (cue bolt of lightning in the background)

Eiko-chan: (sweatdrop)

Siko: On this evening's episode…a kinky telepath…a can of whipped cream…and the fiend who dared to separate them…tonight's episode: Who's been eating Schu's whipped cream?

Eiko-chan: That's right and Schwarz's resident telekinetic Naoe Nagi was there to catch the culprit in the act! Watch…

THE VIDEO:

(static. Camera switches on to reveal a shot of the Schwarz kitchen. The refrigerator door is open and there's this weird noise coming from behind it)

From behind the refrigerator door: Ohhhhh, yeah, so good…mmm, baby, just how I like it…(drooling noises)

(camera changes angles to see who the intruder is)

Nagi's voice from off-camera: I knew it! Farfello, it *is* him, I have him on camera eating it, I have you on camera as my witness!

Farfello's voice from off camera: Ehhh?

(Crawford is crouching down in front of the refrigerator, a nozzle of a can of Redi-Whip in his mouth and whipped cream dripping down his chin)

Crawford: WHAAAA????!!!

(static)

(Siko and Eiko-chan sit there staring…just staring)

Siko: What the hell was that?

Eiko-chan: *blinks*

Siko: Ahem, we have Nagi on the show with us tonight to tell his story. 

(Nagi walks out, looking uncomfortable)

Siko: (raises her eyebrows) Sit down, Nagikins.

Nagi: Um, sure thing. (sits down…as far away from Siko as possible)

Siko: (pouts)

Eiko-chan: Now, Nagi, would you tell us exactly what happened that night in your own words?

Nagi: Of course. It all started when Farfie and I were playing videogames… 


	2. Nagikins

DRAMATIC REENACTMENT:

//(Nagi is playing Playstation as Farfello sits in the background watching)

Nagi: Ha ha! You will all feel my wrath!//

Nagi: I was playing Final Fantasy VII and kicking ass as usual…

//Farfello: *giggles* Sephiroth is a fox…

Nagi: *rolls eyes*

(suddenly, there's a noise from down the hall in the kitchen)

Farfello: (screams and grabs onto Nagi) Oh, Nagi-sama, I'm so scared!

Nagi: *stands up, arms akimbo* There's no need to fear, Farfie, Nagi's here to protect you!

Farfello: *hands clasped together, bats lashes* My hero!

Nagi: Hmmm…*looks around the room and his eyes land on the strategically placed video camera* Let's see what else I can send into the Funniest Videos show…//

Nagi: So we walked to the kitchen…

//Farfello: *clinging to Nagi* I'm scared…

Nagi: *sighs* I'm the only real man in this group…*switches on the camera as he enters the kitchen, zooming in on the open refrigerator door*

From behind the refrigerator door: Ohhhhh, yeah, so good…mmm, baby, just how I like it…(drooling noises)

Nagi: *moves around to get a view of who it is*  I knew it! Farfello, it *is* him, I have him on camera eating it, I have you on camera as my witness!

Farfello: *suddenly sd* Ehhh?

Crawford: *caught red-handed* WHAAAA????!!!

Nagi: *turns the camera off and smirks* You didn't think I'd catch you, did you? You cannot escape the all powerful Nagi!

Crawford: *weakly throws the can at him* Take that!

Nagi: *laughs* 

Farfello: Oh, Nagi, you're so great at dodging things! *swoons*

Crawford: My aerosol can didn't work? THIS IS MADNESS! MADNESS I TELL YOU!

Nagi: BWA HA HA HA HA! YOU ALL THOUGHT THAT I WAS WEAK! THE INCOMPARIBLE NAGI IS NOT WEAK! NOW ALL YOU FOOLS WILL DIE, DIE!

Crawford: *on his hands and knees* Please have mercy on me, sir!//

Siko and Eiko-chan: …

Nagi: Well, I took pity on him.

Siko: Nagikins…is that really what happened?

Nagi: Of course it is!

Eiko-chan: I'm afraid we have someone here who disagrees with you…

Nagi: Eh?

Siko: And I called the hospital…the men in white coats are going to come and take very good care of you…

Nagi: *slowly draws back*

Eiko-chan: Alright, it's time for our next eyewitness to come out!

(Crawford walks out and sits down, also far away from Siko, glaring at Nagi)

Crawford: You little brat, that is *not* what happened! 

Siko: Thank you for stating the obvious, dear.

Eiko-chan: This is going to be a long interview…*pulls out some cran-vodka and starts drinking it before Siko yanks it away and hugs it to her chest*

Crawford: *fixes glasses* Now, I know what *really* happened…I was in the kitchen for a late night early morning snack…


	3. Bradley-chan

DRAMATIC REENACTMENT:

//Crawford: *hums happily, rummaging through the fridge* Hmm, hmm, hmm…let's see, now where did I put that Spam? Hmmm, hmm, hmmm, I'm definitely not looking for Schu's whipped cream…but what's this? *picks up the can and sees that it's…Schu's whipped cream! (I can imagine all your looks of surprise) Oh, my, I'd better hide this from the others so they don't get into it!

(Nagi with his camcorder enters with Farfello, whose eyes are rolling around like crazy in his head)

Crawford: Hello, Nagi! Hi, Farfie! How are both of you this evening?

Farfello: Ha ha ha! I'm going to hurt God! Hee hee! *does a jig* God will bleeeeeeeeeed…

Nagi: I knew it! Farfello, it *is* him, I have him on camera eating it, I have you on camera as my witness!

Farfello: Ehhh?

Crawford:  WHAAAA????!!!

Nagi: (turns the camcorder off) You bastard , I was going to eat Schu's whipped cream!

Crawford: But Nagi, it wouldn't be right to do that to Schu, now would it?

Farfello: (stabbing his own leg) heh heh heh, I'm a raving Irish lunatic, I need to kill more people so I can hurt God! *pulls out a knife and starts licking it*

Nagi: I'm telling Schu what you did! 

Crawford: Nagi, please don't lie like that…it hurts me when you lie…*sniffles*

Nagi: Good, because I'm an angsty teenager and I like to make people hurt! Now I'm going to go and smoke some…MARY JANE in the Dunkin' Donuts parking lot!

Crawford: *crying* I wanted so much better for you! *slams fists into the floor in anguish* Damn this corrupt generation! 

Crawford: *licking 20 knives* It hurts God and makes him cry!// 

Siko: …that was just pathetic.

Crawford: What? That's what happened!

Nagi: I think your old age is getting to you…

Crawford: Why you little-(starts strangling Nagi)

Eiko-chan: Bad Crawford! (hits him with her Deku stick)

Crawford: ACK!

Siko: Alright, I think that the interviews are going to go a lot quicker from now on…

Eiko-chan: Yeah, this is getting scary.

Siko: So without further ado, we'll bring out our next guest…

(Schu struts out and sits himself on Crawford's lap)

Crawford: (cuddles him)

Siko: Ooh, preeeeeeetttttttyyyy…*drools*

Eiko-chan: (pokes her with the Deku stick) Um, Siko? …Siko?

Siko: Inspiration…must…write…yaoi…NOW!

Eiko-chan: (smacks her in the back of the head with the Deku stick)

Siko: OUCH! *rubs the back of her head* Don't do that anymore!

Eiko-chan: (smirks)

Siko: Anyway, why don't you tell us what happened, Schu?

Schu: But I wasn't in the room…

Siko: Where were you?

Schu: In the bedroom waiting for Bradley-chan.

Siko: Ooh-(Eiko-chan smacks her with the Deku stick) Alright, alright! Well, I'm sure you must have some recollection of the night in question.

Schu: Actually, I do. It all started yesterday afternoon…


	4. SchuSchu

DRAMATIC REENACTMENT

/(Schu struts out of his room, humming to himself, out to the living room where the others are. Crawford is drawing something, Farfie is scribbling something down on a piece of paper and Nagi is picking the petals from a flower)

Schu: Hallo!

Crawford, Farfello and Nagi: *blank stares*

Schu: *blinks, then puts hand to head* Idiocy, I am surrounded by idiocy…Hello? Konnichiwa? 

Crawford, Farfello and Nagi: *blank stares*

Schu: …Tswana?

Crawford, Farfello and Nagi: *blank stares*

Schu: *twitches, then turns to walk out*

Crawford: Wait, Schuldig, my love! I have something for you!

Schu: *turns around, smiling* Really, Bradley, you're trying too hard to get in my pants, which would never happen anyway…*flips hair over shoulder* I think I'm just a *little* bit above anyone else in this group.

Crawford: But look! *holds up a piece of notebook paper with a big pink heart on it. Over it, the paper reads 'Brad Crawford + Schu forever'* It's just for you, my darling!

Farfello: *gets up and shoves Crawford away* Well, I wrote a poem for my beautiful, gorgeous Schuldig!

Schuldig: Yes, I really am too gorgeous…*files nails* Go on, worship me.

Farfello: *clears throat and starts to read*

'Roses are red,

violets are blue

I hate God

And toast and glue

Oh, my lovely Schuldig,

I'm hope that your pretty hair isn't a wig-'

Schu: Eh?

Farfello: 

'-and every night when I'm bound in my straight jacket

I think of you and wish I could w-'

Schuldig: Alright, that's enough!

Nagi: *still picking petals of the flower…it has a lot of petals okay?!* Schu loves me, Schu loves me not, Schu loves me, Schu loves me not *picks off last petal* Schu loves me! *jumps up and glomps onto Schu's legs* I knew you did!

Schu: *starts kicking* Ack! Get off of me! I know I'm irresistible, but calm down!

Nagi: Mmm, no, I couldn't possibly let you go…your legs are so long and slender, I just want to hold onto them forever!

Crawford: I'd hate to disappoint you, but Schu belongs to ME! *grabs Schu by the waist and starts tugging on him*

Nagi: In your dreams! 

Farfello: *throws his arms around Schu's neck* No, he's mine!

Schu: Whoa, whoa, there's enough of me to go around!/

Siko and Eiko-chan: …

Crawford and Nagi: *glare*

Schu: *smiles innocently*

Siko: That's it! Everyone here is being put on medication for compulsive lying!

Schu: *whines* But that's what really happened!

Crawford: The last time I checked, I wasn't some ditzy 12-year-old girl!

Nagi: And I don't pick flowers! …usually.

Schu: Looks like some people are in denial…*grins*

Crawford: *shoves Schu off his lap*

Schu: *falls on the floor a bumps his head* OW!

Siko: My poor SchuSchu! *gets up and starts to reach out for him*

Crawford: *jumps up, grabs Schu possessively to himself and growls at Siko*

Siko: *hands up, slowly backs away and sits down*

Schu: *pouts*

Eiko-chan: Can I go home?

Siko: Just one more interview, then we're gonna leave to watch Space Ghost!

Eiko-chan: WHOO-HOO! *they slap each other 5*

Siko: So, here's our next guest…

Crawford, Schu and Nagi: Wait, you can't mean-

Siko: Farfie!

*much applause from nowhere*

(Farfello walks out, expressionless and sits on the floor, cross-legged)

Nagi: What?! Don't tell me you're going to buy *his* story!

Crawford and Schu: *both eye Farfie, grinning*

Siko: Hmph, looks like I won't have to go through the trouble of force-feeding all of you green m&ms when I lock you in a vacant bedroom after this…

Guys: Ehhhhhh????

Siko: Oh, nothing…*evil SikoGrin*

Eiko-chan: But anyway, Farfie, tell us what actually happened that night.

Farfello: I need more Pop Rocks.

Eiko-chan: What the hell are you talking about?

Farfello: I need more Pop Rocks. They sting God's tongue.

Eiko-chan: *sweatdrop* 

Stay tuned for the next part!


	5. Farfie

DRAMATIC REENACTMENT:

//(view of an empty hallway. Suddenly, Farfello slides into view wearing boxers, socks and sunglasses a'la Tom Cruise. He instantly stops and goes over to the oven in the kitchen where God is roasting)

Farfello: Mmmm, God-kabob…

(he is surrounded by Crawford, Schu and Nagi, who are all sheep…except with their heads) 

Crawford: Baa!

Farfello: Hush, pathetic sheep of God! *oven dings* Ooh, it's done!

Schu: Baa-baaaaaa…*grazes*

Nagi: *eats grass from nowhere in particular*

Crawford: *has a can of Redi-Whip in his mouth* Baaaaaaa… 

Farfello: *eating God* Meaty!//

Siko and Eiko-chan: *blink a few thousand times*

Farfello: And what a kabob it was…

Everyone: …

Crawford: I have absolutely nothing to say about that.

Siko: Good choice, dear.

Eiko-chan: …so…we still don't know what happened. What a bitch!

Siko: Incase it isn't painfully obvious to you what actually happened, we have one more person to help us clear up the confusion.

Crawford: What?!

Nagi: Huh?!

Schu: Eh?!

Farfello: *blank stare for a moment, then blinks* My answer is punch and pie!

Siko: Yes, someone *else* was there the night of the crime and we have them here with us…

Schu: *uncomfortably shifts* Um, you know I could just buy another can of whipped cream, we don't have to have another person-

Siko: NO!

Schu: *whimpers*

Siko: This *certain* person has chosen to remain anonymous, but I'm sure that our little SchuSchu knows who he is…

Schu: *straightens up and crosses arms* Hmph, I don't know what you're talking about! 

Crawford: *hand to head* I see that this interview is going to end in chaos…

Eiko-chan: How do you figure that?

Crawford: I didn't figure it, I *know* it.

Eiko-chan: Ehhhhh????

Crawford: …never mind.

Nagi: I'm frightened, really. Can I go now?

Crawford: If I have to suffer then you all do!

Farfello: *claps*


	6. 'Mary'

Siko: So, uh, as I already stated, our fifth "witness" has chosen to remain anonymous.

Crawford: Why didn't you give us that option?!

Siko: Well…uh…you're not special enough!

Crawford: …I'm not…? *bottom lip begins to tremble* 

Nagi: Oh, boy, you've done it now.

Crawford: B-but Barney says that everyone is special in his or her own way! *sobs*

Siko and Eiko-chan: *sweatdrop*

Schu: *slowly inching away…*

Siko: And where do you think *you're* going?

Schu: To, um, use the bathroom, yeah! *starts running, but is suddenly caught in one of those big nets* AHHH!

Siko: *smirks*

Farfello: *goes over and starts poking Schu with his knife through the net*

Schu: Ow! Quit it!

Farfello: *pokes*

Schu: Ow! Quit it!

Farfello: *pokes*

Schu: Ow! Quit it!

Farfello: *pokes*

Schu: Ow! Quit it!

Nagi: *hand to head*

(someone walks out, face blurred, but it's clear that they're wearing a black halter top…)

Nagi: You?!

Crawford: You!

Farfello: Punch and pie!

Eiko-chan: This is Mary. She's our star witness.

Mary: Couldn't you have given me a better name?

Eiko-chan: Live with it!

Mary: *crosses arms, then looks over at Schu and his "situation" and gasps* What have they done to you, muffin?!

Schu: Um, do I know you? *shifts uncomfortably*

From somewhere in the background…

???????: Wait, Aya-kun! That's not Takatori, that's a roast chicken!

??????: Shi-NE! *splattering sounds*

Nagi: …what's that noise?

Mary: My…friends are waiting in the lobby for me.

Siko: Now, Mary, may I ask you what you were doing in the humble Schwarz abode during the night in question?

Mary: I was visiting my boyfriend, Schu.

Crawford: *eyes widen*

Schu: *sweatdrop* Heh heh heh, I have no idea what he's talking about…

Farfello: *pokes*

Schu: Ow! Quit it!

Mary: And it all started around 9 that night…

Ooh, one chapter closer to the last! Relieving, ne? 


	7. WHODUNNIT?

DRAMATIC REENACTMENT:

//(Schu is lying in bed, wearing a mini skirt, red knees highs and his hair up in pigtails. He keeps anxiously checking his watch)

Schu: Where *is* he? He's…*counts on his fingers for about 20 minutes* 32 seconds late!

(suddenly someone kicks the window in and Yohji slides in*

Yohji: Sorry I'm late, I had to chain Ken in his room…he's been acting way too frisky around those kids lately… 

Schu: *pales* I didn't need to know that…

Yohji: But anyway, I'm here! *grins and starts taking off his shirt all slow and sexy-like*

Schu: *raises his eyebrows and sits up, watching*

(out of nowhere, the lights turn off and a disco ball drops from the ceiling. Hot Chocolate starts playing and Yohji is getting his groove on, all John Travolta style)

Yohji: 'I believe in miracles, where ya from, you sexy thang, you sexy thang-'

Schu: *blinks then nods* Yes, Yohji, that's very sexy…*grumbles* But um, could we just skip this part…I'm getting nauseous…//

Siko: *falls all over herself, laughing*

Mary: What?! I'm a good dancer!

Siko: Likely…

//(2 hours and 5 jars of peanut butter later…)

Schu: *yawns all kawaii-like(fangirls: awwwww!!!!)*

Yohji: *smoking a cigarette* So, where's that…guy…?

Schu: What guy?

Yohji: You know, stick up his ass, he's got the evil glowing glasses, you're screwing him on the side…//

Crawford: WHAT?!

Schu: It was meant in a *good* way, Bradley!

Crawford: *twitches*

//Schu: Um, he went to this big important building thing…you know, where that…guy…I work for is…he looks like a roast chicken, you know?

Yohji: Um, Takatori Reiji?

Aya: *from somewhere* Takatori…shi-NE!

Omi: Wait, Aya-kun, that was my moldy bread for my biology project!

Schu: Yeah, that's his name!

Yohji: *shudders*

(sound of the front door opening)

Crawford: Schuldiiiiiig, I'm hoooooommmmme!

Schu: Aw, crap. Yohji, I'm going to have to ask you to get the hell out.

Yohji: Nani?! How am I supposed to get out, he's out there!

Schu: The window, duh…

(sound of footsteps walking down the hall towards the room)

Schu: *whispering* Never mind, just hide!

Yohji: *looks around, panicked, then dives into the closet. At that moment, Crawford walks into the room*

Crawford: Where's my dinner, woman?!

Schu: What the hell are you talking about?

Crawford: …nevermind. *takes off his coat and opens the closet to hang it up*

Yohji: *eyes wide*

Crawford: *fails to notice a naked man wearing sunglasses with a cigarette dangling from his mouth standing in the closet and throws his coat in*

Yohji: *grabs it and hangs it up*

Crawford: *slowly stops and sniffs the air* I know that smell…

Schu: *gulps*

Crawford: …have you been playing with the peanut butter again?

Schu: *sighs in relief*

Crawford: *sniffs the air again* Wait, a minute, I definitely know this smell…it's…MAN FLESH!

Schu: Ack! No it's not!

Crawford: …wait, that was just roast chicken-I mean Mister Takator-wait, yeah, roast chicken. *yawns* Well, I'm going to bed…

Yohji: /Crap…/

Crawford: …but first I'm going to go eat some salami! *walks out*

Yohji: /Phew…/

Schu: *gets up and throws open the closet door* Hurry your ass up, he'll be back soon!

Yohji: Yeah, I'm going I'm going! *putting his shoes on*

Schu: Uh, aren't you going to put any of your other clothes on?

Yohji: Eh. *lights up another cigarette and starts to slide out the window…only to find that the author has made the window so conveniently shrink* What the hell?!

Schu: Damn, I didn't know peanut butter was so fattening.

Yohji: *shrugs* Looks like I'll have to go out the front door.

Schu: If you get caught, I don't know you.

Yohji: *pouts, then saunters out, down the hall*

(Farfello is sitting next to Nagi who is using his telekinesis to play his Playstation. He hears a noise and turns to see a naked man wearing shoes, sunglasses and smoking a cigarette strut past)

Farfello: That was even too disturbing for me.

Nagi: *hears the sound of the refrigerator open downstairs and grins, grabbing his camcorder* This is it! I'll finally catch him in the act!//

Nagi: How the hell did you know I said that if you weren't in the room?

Mary: …I'm magical.

Nagi: *raises an eyebrow*

//Yohji: (peeks into the kitchen to see Crawford crouched in front of the refrigerator, eying a can of whipped cream)

Crawford: Well, it is Schu's…it would be wrong to eat it for purposes other than his…*grins* but it just looks so creamy…*drools, then makes a mad grab for the can*

(Nagi walks past with his camcorder, not noticing Yohji, followed by Farfello, who pretty much runs away from him-//

Mary: And then I made my sleek, cat-like escape…*grins*

Siko: So, Crawford, what do you have to say for yourself? …even though we could have come to this conclusion in the first chapter.

Crawford: *glares* I hate this…

Nagi: Yeah, this lame.

Farfello: *yawns and stretches*  

Schu: *tries to gnaw his way out of the net*

(Aya suddenly bursts onto the set, looking pissed)

Mary: Um, hey, cuddlebug…

Aya: You've been cheating on me with *that*?! *points at Schu*

Schu: Well, excuse me for breathing…

Crawford: *looks at Schu* I can't believe you were going behind my back with that-that *thing*!

Yohji: Oh, that's it! *throws his chair at Crawford*

Crawford: *jumps up and throws himself at Yohji* You *bleeping* *bleep**bleeping**bleeper**bleeping**bleep*!

Siko and Eiko-chan: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

(Steve comes out of nowhere and pulls then apart*

Nagi: Alright, I'm gonna go find Omi so we can like, go to the zoo…yeah…*walks away*

Farfello: All this god-hurting has made me tired…I'm going back to my nice cozy straight jacket…*walks away*

Aya: *looks at Siko and Eiko-chan* Buy something or get out. *walks away*

Siko: Well, uh, there you have it: who shot J.R.-

Eiko-chan: -who stole Schu's whipped cream!

Siko: And now that this oh-so-puzzling mystery has been solved, it's time to say goodnight to all our viewers…

Eiko-chan: *smiles* Oyasumi nasai!

Siko: Ja! *set goes black, sound of footsteps and the opening and closing of a door. The only sound left is that of the net swinging back and forth*

Schu: Um, hello? Hello, is anyone there? Crawford? Yohji? Nagi? Farfie? …anyone? I'm scared of the dark…

O.o                                      ~*Owari*~    

Let me know what you thought about this piece of babbling! 


End file.
